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The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question 1. What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question 2. Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, Dear." Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, sh*t-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question 3. Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you are not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I have seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5. What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: "Would you get married again?"
MAN: "Definitely not!"
WOMAN: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
MAN: "Of course I do."
WOMAN: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
MAN: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WOMAN: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes an audible groan)
WOMAN: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
MAN: "Where else would we sleep?"
WOMAN: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?"
MAN: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WOMAN: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"
MAN: "She can't use them; she is left-handed."
WOMAN: (SILENCE)
MAN: "Sh*t."